Monday, February 21, 2011

Kinda Sorta Maybe

So today I decided to change my life completely (again). Which meant the following:

a) Being more organised at work
b) Getting back to the gym and set a target of reducing some obscene amount of weight
c) Plan on registering for PHD and promptly dream about being included on the New York Times op-ed team along with Paul Krugman
d) Have a 'farewell-to-greasy-food' lunch and decide to go on a strict diet
e) Brushing my teeth twice (during the same day too!)
f) Updating my blog with an 'I'm back!' sort of a message

I did all of this today. Usually, this decision is accompanied by the buying of a new notebook and a pen (a fetish me thinks), if I didn't have to pick up my daughter from school I'd have probably done that too. Looking at my blogging record for the last 4 years these lightbulb days happen at the frequency of once in six months, ie, around the time to renew my gym membership or the mid-point of my annual membership when guilt overrides laziness. Thankfully this feeling lasts a day or two and then I'm back to my usual jolly self.

Getting back to the gym is the toughest, since it was the one thing that I was any good at in the past. I still remember the days when I would swagger into the gym, chest held high, surreptitiously checking out my own 17 inch biceps (ok it was 16.5 but hey how about some artistic license?) on the mirrors around. Today though, I crept inside the gym like a mouse, a very very well fed mouse. It was the usual crowd at the gym, the fit people and the plus sized people (If my BMI is 35% am I allowed to use the word fat without it being considered offensive?). Anyway the treadmill that I started on had one of each next to me, the fit guy walking super slowly and the plus sized guy running hard, I'm guessing this was need based cardio work out. Within ten (very long) minutes realised how unfit I had really become, I was huffing and puffing at a speed which used to be my 'cool down' speed.

As I was going around, I met this other guy who was overweight like me and seemed to be huffing and puffing around himself. Like to ships in the middle of a desert (nope I'm not wrong in the usage, thats what we both looked like), we chatted up. He started the conversation by saying "You know I used to be really fit 5 years ago but....", we got along pretty fine from then on.

Anyway as a result of today, I could either get super organised and super fit or get back to doing the stuff I've been doing, but the crazy thing is that I'd never be satisfied with myself anyhow. I don't think I ever have.

There is always going to be some facet or facets of mine that I would feel was lacking or that I was not good enough for something I was doing and have a list of things that needs a radical change. I've felt this way all my life, as if I'm a work in progress on a slow trudge towards some distant ideal.

Now how do I change that?