Wednesday, September 14, 2005

A Bad Tamil Movie

The last 40 minutes of a movie I saw last night. (OK, if this post has repeated words or letters or has joined words and the whole thing is big and scary, it's the puter's fault! )
Scene 1: In the Court

The Hero's sister is falsely implicated in a prostitution racket by the Evil Minister and she stands before a Judge. The girl cries, she says she is innocent! And what more she is getting married that day and requests the judge to let her go. The judge says "No way babe!!! Everyone who comes here says the same thing". The prosecution promptly provides a medical certificate that the good lady was inebriated (no one says when). The Judge peruses this vital piece of information, nods wisely and says this is clinching proof that she was indulging in prostitution (Of course!). STAWP EET!!!!!!! Enter the Hero (an aging has-been star). He beats his chest, does a Tarzan routine then starts on a public service announcement on fairness, equality and the suffering of the common man and is promptly grabbed by 10 policemen.

HOLD EET!!!!!!!! Enter the Good Cop (Another aging has-been star), who walks in and says that he wants to bring in a few more prostitutes for the case, more the merrier, right? In come half a dozen women. Among them is the Judge's wife. The judge gapes. The good cop even has a doctor's certificate that the Judge's wife was inebriated and hence a proof of her being a prostitute. The judge says "NO! Anyone knows that you can get a doctor's certificate for 50 rupees", the Good Cop just laughs and says, Exactly Bro! The judge cries. The Good Cop whips out a Thali ( Mangal Sutra or the wedding chain) from his pocket, which he ties around Hero's sister's neck and announces that he has given her 'life'. The Hero's sister looks gratefully at the savior who gave her 'life', promptly forgetting the dude she had an appointment to marry that day.

The Hero, Hero's mom and Hero's dad cry and fall at the good cop's feet. They all walk away. On his way out the Good Cop with a smirk, looks at the Judge and says "Stop me if you can. I know you can't, legally". The Judge was silent, how could he say anything? The Good Cop seemed to know something about the law that he didn't!
Scene 2: Hero's Foils the Minister's Evil Plan.
The Evil Minister has fixed a wedding on the 10th (10 AM) for his daughter,the Heroine. A hanger-on asks the Evil Minister as to who was ready to marry the heroine when the Hero had already slept with her (Too bad I missed that!), the Evil Minister's ever present flunky says "Ha! We gave the guy two houses, some land and all the money he wanted, now the groom has given permission for the Heroine to have sex with the Hero as many times as she likes".

The Hero gets word of the wedding and in a peremptory strike goes around town giving wedding invitations for the same day himself (proclaiming himself as the groom, instead of the groom selected by the Minister). The evil minister is foiled everywhere he goes. Of course the Minister is now desperate and so he kidnaps his own daughter and puts her on a Tempo Traveler van, with the registration number 3366, which was to drive around the entire city till the it's time for the wedding (which was roughly about 72 hours). All this time the Heroine sits there struggling as she held by two goons (This vaguely looks like an orgy).

Hero gets information from the Heroine's mother and runs to the corner of the road. Voila! There is the Van (number 3366). Hero chases the van, his hairpiece almost flying off, yet the van is somehow faster. He can't catch it, so he thinks out of the box and slowly scales a nearby building like an overfed cat burglar. And somehow, the van which was already ahead of him now is suddenly parallel to the building (Moral: Climbing buildings brings Vans closer). In the meanwhile somehow the top of the van catches fire (sorry had go get some water so I missed the part of how the van caught fire). Hero runs, jumping from one roof top to another (by which time he had magically traveled from one area, Mount Road to the other, Beach road). He finally jumps down on to a convenient tent which comes crashing conveniently on the van thereby extinguishing the fire and then he gracefully floats down to the ground. The Hero chucks the tent cloth at the van as he rolls on the ground, this magically attaches itself to the back of the van and the hero is dragged through the city for awhile (Moral: Watch Indiana Jones before you make corny movie).

The van careens into marriage party on the road, that groom who is on a horse is soon de-horsed. Our Hero jumps on it Phantom style and the chase is on!

Suddenly the Hero jumps from the horse on to a passing jeep and is now following the van in the jeep (Sorry, don't ask me how).He positions the jeep near the van and puts it on auto pilot. He climbs leisurely out of the jeep and proceeds to attach himself to the open door of the van, all this while balanced on a rock steady Jeep (auto pilot effect!). The jeep steadily maintains the position for the few minutes the hero takes to fight his way into the back of the truck. Hero bashes up the bad guys, saves the heroine the van comes to a slow stop on its own.

Scene 3: Hero Gets Married, Villain kills someone

The Hero is sitting with the Heroine at the Pandhal (Wedding stage). The priest is chanting. It's time for the Hero to tie the thali. STAWP EET!!!The Commissionerr of Police, hundred cops and one rabid police dog arrive at the scene. There is a bomb in this building, they say. People stand up (waiting for further instructions). The hero says, Please come later, we will finish the wedding. WAITEES! Screams the Commissioner. The Hero's dad in a rare speaking part says; 'Please catch the guys who made the bomb first before asking us to vacate the building!' The Commissioner is adamant; a bomb was a bomb was a bomb.

The bomb sniffing dog proceeds to do its duty by barking and biting the wedding guests who finally find their feet and rush out to the road. The Hero's mother gets into the act with enigmatic crying. The Commissioner is adamant and everyone rushes out to the road. The Hero, heroine and the entire crowd chucked out. The Hero makes a stand, in the middle of the road and says he will get married there. Everyone smiles. STAWP EET!!!! This from a bunch of traffic cops. Hero's Mother cries again. The Hero gets into another Public service speech, he laments the fate of the road, the potholes, the traveler, how ministers driving on the road stops traffic for five hours etc. By this time the people around, probably to shut him up, tell him to go ahead and tie the thali. He does.

Magically we are transmitted to the reception, the beach. The are people dancing. The hero joins them. Lots of line and formation dancing ensues. The crowd dutifully surrounds the dancers with a respectable distance since there are bursts of colour everywhere. The Heroine joins earns her keep and does a pole dance, sans the pole. As the song finally comes to an end, there is sudden chaos, people hitherto silent start running helter-skelter. Hero's father is stabbed and falls to the ground. The crowd reassembles around the main characters and looks on silently. Hero's father, in the only other speaking scene, grinding his head on his wife's lap and tells the Hero "Son, It's true I haven't done much, I've never even bought a sari for my wife, you have got everything for her, please get her a white sari too and oh by the way, KILL THE BASTARDS WHO KILLED ME I SAY!", (White Sari is symbolism of Widowhood) He then reaches up, wipes the sindoor off his wife's forehead and dies. The Mother looks up at the Hero, and screams "KILL THE BASTARDS WHO KILLED HIM I SAY!". The crowd resumes running helter-skelter. The Hero exits the spot, running in slow motion through the crowd.
Scene 4: Hero gets his revenge and a twist in the tale.

Hero now rushes into Evil Minister's lair. Huge gates don't stop him, machine gun bullets don't stop him, fat policemen don't stop him. He kicks one here, shoots one there. He eyes a samurai sword, uses it to fight his way to the interiors of the house leaving a trail of dead bodies and fake blood. The Evil Minister, who I think was in a sound proof room is lying in bed peacefully. Hero enters, sans the sword but now armed with two shields and the Evil Minister gets a rude shock (to put it mildly). The Evil Minister reaches for a gun. Hero bashes the hand with the shields and the gun flies up settling on the ceiling fan. Hero leisurely starts breaking most bones of the evil minister's body all the while giving his public service speech which we've all come to adore. Finally, he says, I will not kill you. Et Viola! The cops appear from nowhere and surround the hero. The ever present Police Commissioner says he is arresting the Hero for assaulting the Evil Minister (Moral: All the other murders of side actors are not important, remember ONLY if you kill a leading actor in the movie is that murder valid, the rest simply don't matter).

The Heroine enters the scene, switches on the fan, bingo she gets the gun in her hand (Moral: You never know what you might get if you switch on the fan) The Commissioner tells her that no one can protect her from her father since her husband was going to jail. Whoops, wrong thing to say buddy. Heroine with a demonical gleam nails the Commissioner, the other policemen watch on peacefully (sucked into this human drama), the Heroine informs them that she has shot the Commissioner and that they have to put her in jail. They whip into action, cuff her along with her new husband (I think there is a family jail somewhere, Moral: The family that kills together, stays together) and they both are lead along this long road (long enough for the ending song).

Subham-The end

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Let us never forget...


September 1st 2004. School Number One, 1200 Hostages, 338 Dead, 102 Missing. 332 Wounded.

A thousand children learnt what the word 'Terrorist' meant.

A little boy tries to buy his sick mother's freedom with 5 roubles he had.

A wounded girl goes back into a burning building to look for her mother.

A girl is shot because her cellphone rang.

A boy sees his father shot dead and thrown out of the window.

A terrorist who helps people drink water is killed by her leader.

A few children who escape the school building stop at at water tap to drink water, after 3 days of near starvation and they are blown away by a grenade.

So many more stories that break your heart


A little boy says, God saved those he could and the ones he couldn't, he kept with him. A little girl says, God took the best..the very best.

Please read the first person narrative of the children of School Number One on BBC (here and here too).

Katrina Survivor Story: 6-Year-Old Leads Five Toddlers, Baby To Safety

Monday, September 05, 2005

Technology and potato chips

The more I see technology and the ease it brings, the more I see a potato chip conspiracy. Why do I say this? Think about it, today, you could at the friendly confines of your home can do so many things without moving from your couch or your chair. Within easy range of that bowl of chips. Never before has an individual had so much of information and access in his or her fingertips. For instance, in the past, if you had to learn about an ancient civilisation, you either had to travel to the location or enroll in a course or buy a book that deals with the same. Now, you just google it. In five minutes you are an expert. You move on.

Would you like to catch your favourite sport? No problems. (Yesterday, I saw a cricket match in Zimbabwe, a tennis match in New York and a Formula One race in Italy, blardy amazing!) Would you like to check out the world news while you are at it? Absolutely! Would you like to listen to your rockstar in concert? But ofcourse. You've got the best seat in the house. Are you the type that likes a bit of everything as far as music goes, boy have we got the product for you! Your new iPod can carry upto 10,000 songs, don't let a fact like you know only 200 songs stop you, it's all about virtual storage, you see?

Do you feel like a drive? What what would you like to drive? A Ferrari? A Merc? A Humvee? A Monster truck? Where would you like to drive it? On the street? In the country? Would you like sunny condition? Winter condition? A touch of rains? Would you like to steal the car, be chased by the law as you race other goons without breaking out a sweat? Done deal.

You can even pause it all to get a fresh pack of chips.

Are you bored of playing alone? Would you like to meet people? Sure, get on a chat program or a game portal, play games, talk about world matters, get an cool Avatar, meet a girl, take her out for a date or two, do you think you would like to get intimate, go ahead. No problems of sexually transmitted diseases, the worst she can do is nuke your 'puter but you use the protection of a firewall anways.

What if the girl you met was a actually a 300 pound guy? Well, that's the luck of the draw, honestly do you really really know all those people you date anyways? You use video chat to be sure, if you aren't a 300 pound guy pretending to be a girl, that is.

Have you sinned? Not to fret, online prayer groups are available 24 hours. You could log on to a prayer group and play a game of alpine skiing at the same time. Would you like to donate for a good cause, that too is just click away. Instant Karma, you see.

The fun part is that you could do a combination of all these things at the same time. So, at the a given point in time, you could watch your favourite sport on tv, chat with a close friend, listen to music, shop, have sex and polish off a bag of chips too. What more could you ask for? You could even invent a whole new you, no plastic surgery or no personality training courses needed. You could be a fireman or a policeman or an artist or a soccer player, it all depends on what grabs you at the moment.

If you feel that all this couch time is making you put on a bit of weight, not to worry, there are exercise machines that you can strap around your waist or thighs to jiggle all that fat as you stare at the computer or your tv munching chips.

In the future, if you feel like procreation, I'm sure they are just working on technology to get your genetic source code, this would be protected and licensed to you. Just upload your source code with that of your online partner's, it gets matched at an offsite location in Bangalore, which inturn transmits the information to Indonesia, where your baby is born under controlled conditions. Don't bother getting up to take care of your child, that's been outsourcing as well. You would get a daily progress report by email ofcourse. No late night feeding problems, nappy changes etc. Congratulations to the happy couple.

All you need in life is a nice big screen tv, a surround sound system, the lastest computer and ofcourse that ever faithful bag of chips. In the end, you are a giant potato chip crunching machine, completely hooked on to your gadgets and living a life all in your mind. A la the Matrix. All this while, the potato chip manufacturer's bottom line is silently going over the roof.

(If you've come thus far on this post, switch off your computer. Get out of that chair or couch, it's a beautiful day , go smell the fresh air!)

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Deepest condolences to all those who have lost their loved ones over the last few days due to the Hurricane Katrina in the US and the stampede in Iraq.

I hope and pray that the rescue and rehabilitation missions are successful and that people can rebuild their lives at the earliest.