Plane Speaking

Readers of this blog will know that I write a lot of airline/airport stories, well, I'll let you in on a secret, I am afraid of heights and am really afraid of flying. For a guy who hates flying, I fly almost 4 days a week, life is a funny thing huh? I actually prefer traveling by trains really, trains are more fun, plus they are in constant touch with terra firma, you can get off in every stop, walk on land and that is very reassuring.

I've never had a comfortable plane ride, How can one anyway? They stick you in a steel tube, strap you to a chair, put on some funeral music, tell ya what to do when the plane lands on water and then they have the gall to ask you to have a nice flight. Yeah right lady! Fat chance!

When they tell you about water evacuation during the safety demo, they usually are matter of factly about it, "If the flight has to land on water...", what the heck, it shouldn't have to land on water! That's not what it's for! Sea-Ships, Air-Planes! Get it?? You don't hear the Captain of a Ship saying "If the ship has to jump up in the air, parachutes can be found in your cabins", do you?

While checking in for a flight I am pretty insistent that I get an aisle seat somewhere close to the front of the plane. I don't quite know why I ask this really but it is strangely comforting not to sit on the window seat to be able to look out at the fast disappearing ground. Sitting next to the window one is magically drawn towards looking through it. It's more difficult if the flight is during daylight because you can see way too much and ohmygawdimgonnafrickingdie tough if the flight is during daylight AND there is turbulence. Coz you can see the ground as well as know that you are a few kilometers up in the sky and doing the boogie woogie while being strapped to a chair. At least in the dark you can pretend that it was just a bumpy road.

When you see me though, you really won't realize that I'm scared shitless, I have gotten pretty good at masking it. I can resist the urge to grab the armrest every time there is turbulence and I even don't go cross eyed if the plane banks to a side and you are suddenly staring at the ground through the window.

(Sidebar: The battery goes beep beep like the Roadrunner . I hope it doesn't go off while I type this, I really haven't saved this yet, I think I should, I know I should yet here I am typing away instead of saving)

Airline regulations are pretty strange, one isn't supposed to keep one's cellphone on when one is in the plane. The reason given is that that cellphones would affect the navigation of the flight, Yeah right, pull the other leg guys. Everyone knows what happens in a plane, most folks just keep their cellphones in the silent mode and hope they go undetected. I haven't seen a plane get lost because of this, have you? Wouldn't it be crazy if the plane landed in Bombay instead of landing at Delhi and the pilot comes storming outside the cockpit screaming "@##$$@ %&@ Now who used a cellphone in the plane, c'mon, admit it!!!"

I have heard this following conversation a few weeks ago in a Deccan Airways Flight seconds after it touched the ground and was making it's way to the 'de-planing' area (more on 'de-planing' later).

Cellphone rings in the row just ahead of mine.

Air Hostess rushes over to the passenger.

AH: Sir, you have to switch it off!! It affects the navigation of the flight!

Passenger (with a smirk): You mean the pilot can't find his way after he has landed the plane???

AH: huh.

Airliners have changed the way we travel but have in many ways introduced some really ugly terminologies in our lives. Deplaning is probably the worst, you get on the plane you get to go 'aboard' the plane, but when you are getting off, you are just deplaned. You'd expect a sack of potatoes or a bunch of sheep to be deplaned but surely not passengers. It's like all of a sudden the airline just lost their interest in you.

Another terminology that I can't quite figure out is 'hand baggage', is there any other part of the anatomy that's associated with baggage? A leg baggage? Or a neck baggage? Why not just say in-flight baggage? Or carry on baggage? (which is in fact used in certain parts of the world) I could talk about more interesting terminologies like cockpit & check-in but that's for another post.