If I were Bond: A Short Taxi Ride

(I've been wanting to do this for a while, this is a dramatised version of a true incident that I wrote here. I've done this before, in a post titled Double oh Seventy Six, which I think was more funnier. I'm just trying my favourite styles to sort of get back into the groove)

I got out of the of the airplane and looked around to a distant spot, as I normally do in the beginning of each story. My sunglasses gleamed in the afternoon sun. I flipped open my tricked out cellphone and switched it on and I saw that there were a number messages welcoming me to the local mobile network and asking me to call customer care for any assistance. Damn! They new I was coming, undercover work isn't what it used to be. There was an urgent flashing message from HQ

I called HQ and got patched through to M. He was in the shower, I hate video phones.

I walked into the arrival lounge and saw a group of air-hostesses looking at me casually, I get that a lot. As I walked past them, I could see them fanning themselves. Was it my magnetic charm? or Was it my strong new minty aftershave? I didn't rightly know. After a quick trip to the washroom (I bet they don't show that in the movies huh?) I found my way to the exit looking for the local liaison officer to take me to my hotel. She wasn't there.

I gritted my teeth in anger, I bet this never happened to Pierce Brosnan! I evaluated my options, you see, I've been trained. I could either hang around till the she came, I heard that she was cute and I do like myliaisons, if you get my drift! Or I could show the enterprise that I'm known for and get local transportation.

I chose the latter, I was a man of action after all. I walked over to the taxi stand but none of the taxi drivers wanted to take me. When I walked towards them they seemed to turn away as if I wasn't there. Further proof that my cover was busted, why would they stall me from getting to my hotel? I checked my cool GPS cum video phone cum rocket launcher cum mp3 player watch, I looked at it intently. I couldn't tell the time, I didn't read the manual for I am Bond, James Bond.

I looked up at the sun and figured it might be about 5 PM. As walked over to one of the taxi guys, they averted my eyes and eventually started walking away. I grabbed one of them by the collar and shook him like I was some humour-less blonde Australian guy cum wannabe Britishspy, who shall remain nameless. I asked him why they kept avoiding me when I walked towards them. He croaked "cuzyerzipperisdown".

I dropped him down and he scampered away after his friends. I quickly did what I had to do, I buttoned my jacket. As I turned to head back to the arrival area, I felt a tap on my shoulder, I turned around to see this oily haired guy with metal teeth. "Ah you lourking foh ah texi sah?" he deadpanned. I knew this was trouble, guys with bad teeth always meant that, I knew it coz I floss, but trouble was my middle name. I said, "Why yes" in my fake British accent and he promptly led me to a taxi parked away from the others.

As I sat in the back he went over to the driver's side, got in and started the car. Before the car moved, the front passenger door opened and another goon jumped into the car and snarled at me menacingly. I chuckled, amateurs!

As the taxi moved out of the parking lot, the goons in front started snarling at me too tell them the details of my mission. I took out a nail file and started filing my nails as I was whistling, this song was stuck in my head, I couldn't remember the singer. I made a mental note to ask HQ. The goon in the passenger seat tried to grab me, I just swung away, I wasn't going to let these guys upset my day, I just grinned back at them. The goon was more agitated and started telling me that they would torture me with 100 hours of Ricky Martin music if I didn't tell them the details of my mission. I have to admit, there were little butterflies in my stomach. I had to end this now before they messed with my mind with 'She Bangs'!

I leaned forward and fired the nail file gun at the passenger and grabbed the driver by the neck. I checked my stop clock, 4.35 seconds, not bad. The driver stopped the car and I patted him down for weapons. I found a Wrigley's Juicy Fruit.

I knocked him unconscious and got out of the car and I could hear the distant wail of the police car. I leaned against the taxi chewing the juicy fruit, waiting for the police to arrive and the background score to end.