Ever wonder what’s with all this fuss that surrounds air travel? If you travel by train or by bus, you buy a ticket, you get on and you’re off. But for Air travel, such simplicity would be too passé. If you buy an air ticket, then you need to reach one whole hour before the plane leaves. You walk in and you meet the first of many queues’ for the day, this one for the boarding pass. Then you trudge along to another queue get your luggage checked (and rechecked), they check you thoroughly in the process too and sometimes ask a few questions as to where you are from. Then finally you are put in a gloomy waiting area with a bunch of sleepy stiffs.
I remember the time right after 9/11, when they used to do a body check manually. Which means you raise your hands and stand in front of this guy who would then proceed to grope your body for half a minute and close to the time you feel incredibly violated he would let you go. This was discontinued after a while much to the chagrin of a few passengers who were beginning to look forward to them. Right now, they still do a physical check with a small metal detector, so you are back to raising your hands on the side and the guy would run the machine over you. I always feel sorry for this guy who gets to do this job, if you are wondering why? Think armpits. This has to be the second saddest job in the world, the saddest being that of a Proctologist.
A few seconds before you petrify in the waiting area, they announce that the flight is ready to be boarded and you stand in yet another line, they check your baggage again and take you to see the plane. Have you ever had the doo-doo problem when you get on the plane? I have it all the time. Well, this is my terminology for the feeling that you want to use the restroom the second the boarding announcement is done. Your mind grapples with two options, do you dash off to the restroom and get back? Which would mean that all the choice overhead luggage space would be lost. Or do you hold on till you get on the flight? Which would mean that you'd have to hold on for a good half an hour, till the flight has taken off and the seatbelt sign is switched off. I've never been able to perfect a technique to solve this one as yet.
After all this you find your seat and just as you start relaxing, they start doing the safety drill and your mind starts getting worked up and you start looking at this steel tube that you are sitting in and wondering if it was really worth it all.
Another thing that strikes me as complicated with air travel is all the questions that get thrown at you all the time, Window or Aisle? Front or back? Left or right? Vegetarian or Non vegetarian? South Indian vegetarian or north Indian vegetarian? Orange juice or lemonade? Coffee or tea? Sweets or cotton? Would you like a cold towel? Would you like a backrub? Hehe ok the last one was a figment of my imagination, wouldn't be a bad addition though.
I love flying, trust me I do. I like all kinds of journeys I thrive on them. My favourite moments in flying when the plane is above a sea of clouds, I can never stop to be amazed at the sheer beauty of it all. But there is a lot about flying that strikes me as funny and sometimes down right comical. I've always wondered why they wake up people who are sleeping to serve that stale airline food. Do they think people would think "Oh no..I wasted all my time sleeping when I could have had smelly omlette and weak coffee". It's also hilarious why people rush to grab their luggage and stand in an uncomfortable queue the seconds after the plane lands. What are they thinking? Is there some game like 'the-last-person-to-leave-the-plane-is-a-ninny' that I didn't know about? Talking about landings, don’t you just love the cell phone action that happens the minute the plane lands? Phones get switched on instantly; people look at their little cellphones and willing it to ring. Its a wicked thrill, to be the first person to get a call when you are standing on that cramped line in the aisle and then say "Halloo I've just landed.."
I think flying resembles prison life a lot too. Think about it, they check you to the point of being abused before you get inside. You are made to line up just about anytime they want you to. Your name ceases to be important you are merely alphanumeric character like, 23F. You are forced to strap on the seat belt securing you to the chair, you are not supposed to move till they tell you to move, you have to eat the food that they give and you can't sleep through the meal even if you want to. It's obvious that they don't trust you one bit because, the even remind you in two languages that they have smoke detectors in the toilets. Well honestly they give you an escape hatch but at 30,000 feet, it's more like a dare. When you are finally set free, they give you back your belongings and send you on your way.
Everyone you meet on the way out tells you that they hope you'd fly with them again soon and all you can think of is the lovely smell of free air.
13 comments:
Hilarious!! Times when I was nodding my head in agreement rather violently.. I love flying too, but I find it tiring (yet complusive) to pretend as if I've been flying all my life.. in fact, as if I was born on a flight :D
I actually like airline food! But I guess that also depends on the airline.
I normally rush to immigration too. That's like the main queue at disembarkation. Heathrow is really big though, it normally takes me 20 mins to get from the security check to my next boarding gate. So Zaa, ur timing is impressive.
I am so glad that you are writing frequently these days. It is really a treat to read it. I don't know whether this is true, but it seems that one of the low-cost airlines does not issue boarding passes, thus there is also a frenzy to get in. I love clouds, I love staring at them and imagining what they look like. And oh, the rainbow is the most gorgeous thing when seen from the window seat. A perfect round circle - I was lucky, but just once. Maybe soon we will also have a choice between a cold towel and a hot towel -- maybe I must suggest that, next time I get that form to fill in!
cowlick, If you were born on a flight on a trip across countries, would you be given citizenship in the countries the flight passed? I don't know why I mull over stuff like this, but I do :)
Zaa , then I bet you got stuck in traffic for an hour :P
quicksilver, welcome! Next time you travel, watch out for this leggy gal rushing to the wrong counter, thats Zaa.
Lubu, Thanks! These budget airlines scare me a bit. I'm worried that just before take off they might announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, we couldn't afford a pilot this evening BUT as luck would have it, my son who is a whiz at MS Flight Simulator just volunteered....Adnan! Stop playing with that red button!"
this post made me remember flying as a young girl.... in the early 70's, when people still dressed up to fly (I can't even imagine that today) and flying seemed so much more exciting with so much less to worry about!
of late luking at the amt. of air travel i'm doing (every weekend B'lore to Hyd n back)
I thot of posting one on it but u have done it n a real laugh-out-loud one.
only thing i wud've added is that I'm paranoid 'bout flying so u can imagine my plight!
Awesome!!
But just to add to your list of things... the comic gets more interesting when your flight gets delayed and you wait forever!
When there is no runway to land, and the pilot just circle around the statue of liberty.. as if he is doing some favour to the passengers (ofcourse its treat to watch, but not when you set your mind to land)..
And more awful when you are kept inside the carrier for an hour after landing cos its bad weather and they cant open the doors (Give me a break)
And when yours is the last baggage that comes out of the tube
And all this gets more interesting when you are starved (domestic flights dont server food)... and want to get out sooner to grab some food...i dont even remember all the junk i get to eat when i travel alone
More often when all these happens, when you land and come to a stop, there would be loud sigh of releaf, even applause.
Beyond all these, on funny incident to quote, i was travelling during Wimbledon Women's final, Serena Vs Davenport.. it was an exciting match, 90% of the crowd was watching the match... the flight landed exactly the last game... the decider! And she served and "tup" its gone :))))))... somebody even yelled saying, we dont mind staying inside for another 5 mins, lets see the match )))... I wanted to get out!
"It's also hilarious why people rush to grab their luggage and stand in an uncomfortable queue the seconds after the plane lands. What are they thinking? Is there some game like 'the-last-person-to-leave-the-plane-is-a-ninny' that I didn't know about?"
:)) Trust me! I think about it everytime I travel. There are times when I sit and wait till everyone leaves when someone wants me to help him with his luggage. And I end up adding to the chaos anyway!!
Cheesey, that reminds me of an housemate who would dress in a full suit to get on a plane no matter what time it was. I remember walking into the hall one day at 3 am and this dude was sitting prim and proper with his suit on..he was waiting for a 7 am flight. I kid you not!
Swathi, You should still put up a post!!
Zaa, whatever you say hehe
ams, nice additions to the post, thanks :) I would have hated to leave the match too. Anudder round of miz liberty puleez!
Rathish, I hear ya! Once while travelling from Hyderabad, this lady sitting next to me had been carrying Biriyani which was stowed away in the over head locker. This was stinking sky high (literally!). When it was time to land, she asked me if I could get it for her and I did. Everyone remaining in the flight gave me a stare that I would not forget! I wanted to shout...No no wasn't me..was this lil ole lady!
I'm late in reading this post, but it was great and well worth the wait!
Most disconcerting to me are the countries where people clap after the plane successfully lands. as if they are SURPRISED that they made it. I mean, personally, I EXPECT the plane to land. That's what planes do, right? Take-off, fly and land..? Otherwise, I'd never get on one..
-c welcome back!!! I would applaud only if they pilot were to balance the plane on a wing!!
A good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.
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